70) A Night, Out, In Barbados
Or ---Newsflash---Great White Shark Seen In Caribbean (see photo above)
It should all have gone so well
8 Days in the Turtle Beach Hotel
(Good deal, well done, by best PA in the World)
With aforementioned Paula
And her 'bestest' friend, ever, Dominique, whom I love, and vice versa
What could POSSIBLY go wrong with that?
Well, quite a lot actually, as it turned out
Not that there was any indication, even an inkling, of any impending
IMPLOSION
when we met at the Sports Bar, in Victoria
Nor at Harvey Nicks (lunch), nor Harrods (last minute bits and pieces - plus the Tom Ford dept. trying to make me smell even more like Tom Ford (Noir > Hynacinth) than I look like Tom Ford, which is A LOT
Nr, indeed, at The Govesnor where Paula leaves us (lap dog) and Dom's best friend (lapdancer) joins us for a night discussing Ugandan relations (which is another story ALTOGETHER, and a rather good one, I predict)
No, the first cloud on the horizon, the first smudge in the distance that gently predicted at the impending
HURRICANE,
was between 6:28am and 6:33am, when Paula phoned me FOUR TIMES to tell me not to be late in getting to Victoria Station
In Which I was Standing
Then she would NOT let me sleep on the Express (at 6:30am, after a 3some & two hours sleep)
Then she would NOT sit with me for a Cappa at Gatwick
Then she would NOT board at the same time as me
Then she would NOT sit with me, nor let me sit in the middle
Then she would NOT talk to me, nor let Dom talk to me
NOR would she get me a drink, nor let me out to the toilet, nor indeed do ANYTHING for me at all
And when I asked politely for anything
She told me to Fxxk right off Peter, I'm sick of your attitude
Which as a good start to a flight
Which was 8.5 hours of FXXKING FLYING HELL
(oh, and my video and headphones didn't work, Thanks a bunch, Richard)
Then it was all sweetness and light relief as we landed in the arms of Andy at the airport
Commercial Break
Andy, best cab driver in Barbados
"fast, reliable, courteous"
(246) 262 7821
(246) 237 9969
email: transport2go@yahoo.com
who drove us to Turtle Beach, while Paula manhandled him from the back seat
But then the dark clouds started looming and lowering as the holiday began
Paula's itinerary for the holiday soon became clear:
Morning: Paula & Dom sleep; Peter does 'whatever' on his own somewhere
Afternoon: Paula & Dom do something nice together, Peter does something else, somewhere else alone
Evening: Peter pays for Paula & Dom to go clubbing together, Peter has a quiet night in and goes to bed alone
(Paula does make it clear that she is prepared to have 'loads of fun' with Peter, for loads of money, but Peter knows from experience that this would last several seconds and hardly worth the effort of undressing, let alone the money)
This itinerary was not, in all honesty, what Dom had had in mind
And, to be frank, it was CERTAINLY not what i had in mind when I had paid for the holiday
But then I had only paid for it
Paula, meanwhile, had PLANNED it all, in meticulous detail
Because she, as she told Dom on 3,567 occasions had known Peter for 4 years, not four minutes, so understood him, and knew what was best for him
And for Paula, his ever altruistic assistante
But, all was well the next morning as Andy drove us to Bridgetown and Paula got everyone at Cartier & LV (not interested) & Kors (Angel's favourite, good value, as I mentioned to Paula's displeasure) to treat Peter as a BIG celebrity, which he isn't, thereby to make herself look of some interest or importance, which she isn't
Dark, threatening, clouds realy began to move in on the cab on the way back when I gently requested a little QT as I had a bit of a headache
Best PA in the World (self styled)'s response was to tell me to::
FUCK OFF>WHO DID I THINK I WAS<SHE WOULD NOT SHUT UP>SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT AND I'LL PUNCH YOUR FACE
or something similar
For
Two
Solid
Hours
Once drinks arrived at the bar all was calm again and Paula gently informed Peter that he had only himself to blame
It was ALL HIS FAULT
Because...(I could hardly wait)
Since He Had Met Angel He Had Changed
?
I Had met Angel, for the second time (MUCH more succesfully this time, she had at least stayed to the end of it) the day before we left. And while a delightful date, which will be repeated, I had not thought it life-changing
Then the penny dropped (thanks Penny)
Paula is the archetype of 'projection', whereby one accuses another of that of which one is one's self guilty
As when Paula says 'she's only after your money, Peter'
So, simle word substitution allows the disencryption of the above message, thus:
It is all Paula's fault
Because since Peter met Angel
Paula had changed
QED
But why?
And then I remembered, they had spoken, briefly, on the phone
And Angel had asked Paula a question, about shopping, about which jeans to buy
Now when a girl asks Paula about shopping Paula is in her element
This is her specialist subject
In fact, her only subject
So Paula, with complete authority pronounced not her opinion, but Paula's absolute tablet of stone judgement on the question
And Angel just...
Laughed
Just a giggle
Like when your dad tries to say something hip about House music, and gets the name wrong
But, a girl had asked Paula about shopping, and laughed at her answer
What Paula heard (she has a great instinct for self preservation) was a death rattle
Her own
With words such as 'younger model', 'old banger', 'past her sell by date' and '32' being whispered by the chorus
And she was suddenly afraid, very afraid
And of course angry, very angry
At Angel
For what is an Angel but an intimation of mortality
& for being younger, hipper, looser, brighter, nicer and sexier
And at me
Me, of all people
For bringing the laugh of an Angel into her life
But, you musn't think it was all bad at the beach
Paula then decided to include in the Itinerary a throbbing 3some with Dom in which, to her own astonishment, she came 6 times in 15 minutes
Which was a lot of times for Paula
And a lot of time for Paula to indulge in sex, or indeed anything other than shopping
She declared that Peter was a sex God
And that we should make porn
I said that I agreed with Cindy (another Brit adman of the 80's) and
makelovenotporn.com
But Paula didn't seem to understand
And took Dom off to the beach
While Peter went for a long, cool, swim
The next thing he heard was Dom
In the lobby
On the phone to Tia
Vowing, LOUDLY, that she was going to take Paula for a swim in the Caribbean
Or at least her head
Leaving her body to rot on the beach
Tracy (see below), overhearing (it was hard not to), later said it was terrifying
Because when a Jamaica girl says she is going to take your head off your shoulders
A dotted line appears around your neck...
You just do not mess with Jamaica
Anyway, Peter calmed things down
And generously said they could go off clubbing that night (Champions League night, I had better things to do)
As Peter quietly awaited their return (they had not said when, or - Paula's case - even if..) he bumped into Tracy (lovely) & Karen (also lovely) and their husbands in the bar. Good people, very funny, very cool and GROWN UP. Just what I needed
And, to cut a long story short, Tracy lost a UKP100 bet to me but had no cash
The general consensus was that, in that case, she should repay peterhero in kind
Very kind
Sexual favours
Shylock had his pound of flesh, I should take the top 100 pounds of Tracy (I have something of a history with Tracies, but then, don't we all guys?)
But Peter, ever the gentleman, said he would accept only Bajan Prides (his cocktail of choice), in a way that suggested to my girls that I had had a GREAT time in their absence
This seemed to disappoint Tracy
But amuse her husband
Anyway, the girls came back, good as gold, at 1.30
At 1.30 Paula said she would leave the next day. I said "Good". Go to sleep
By 2.00 They were shouting accusations at Peter that he had had sex in the room with Tracy while they were out.
On the basis that a suitcase had been moved
I said I hadn't. They said I was lying
I said, OK I had (anything for a quiet life, and some sleep). They said I was lying
I pointed out that ONE of these statements MUST be true
They didn't seem to notice
By 2.30 They were hurling insults at each other, which Peter, on the whole, preferred, but which was still NOISY
3.30 Paula was hurling things at Peter, which hurt
4.00 Management knocked on the door. Which calmed things for 15 minutes. During those 15 minutes Paula deleted texts to Peter from Cherry & sent a forged text from Peter to Angel
4.15 The girls now started stage whispering insults at Peter. Which he couldn't quite hear. But which was enough to keep him awake
4.30 Peter agreed to apologise ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES for everything and anything he had ever said or done to Paula if they would just let him SLEEP
4.45 Apology not accepted
At 5.00am Peter decided that enough was enough, and announced that as they were clearly never going to allow him to sleep and left for the beach, in the rain
Which was an improvement
When he returned to the room at 7.00 THEY WERE ASLEEP
At 10.00 They were still asleep
At 11.00 they woke up and Paula promised it would all be lovely today, and for Peter not to be such a silly billy, and then they could all have FUN
At 12.30 Dom threatened to kill Paula AGAIN if Paula ever said AGAIN that she had known Peter for 4 years (it's 6, actually - but who's counting?). No specific proposal of how this time so I assumed beheading Paula
Which would be an improvement
At 1.30 Paula said she was leaving. This time Peter & Dom said "Good", rather to Paula's surprise as she knew we knew we couldn't manage without her, really
Peter went for a swim
On his return to the room at 5.00 Paula & Dom were having a verbal fight in front of a terrified maid which looked as if it could lead to fisticuffs, aggravated assault or homicide
In front of a witness, to boot
At 8.00 Paula went to sleep, and Peter & Dom went for a nice quiet dinner
Too tired to talk
At 9.30 they returned
at 10.00 Dom was asleep too
Meanwhile I, having been awake for 44 of the last 48 hours, was too tired to sleep
And went to write this story
Until 4.00 in the morning
Now I am going to sleep
And hopefully tomorrow will dawn quiet and calm and still
And Hurricane Paula will have blown itself out
Or, at least, flown itself out
And Peter, and Dom, can begin, at last, their long-awaited holiday on the white beaches, under the blue skies, beside the blue sea in the most beautiful resort in the most beautiful holiday destination in the world
Turtle Beach, Barbados
peterhero 2012
